Here we go (again)

I find my mind in overdrive once again. So many thoughts, yet stringing a sentence together seems nearly impossible.
Maybe, it’s the familiarity creeping in, the hours in traffic, the job stress, and of course the personal life.
Somehow every different decision I take feels like I always end up in the same place.
And to top it all off, the #metoo movement.
My brain does a great job of repressing even the most terrible memories. Almost as if they never happened. It’s not a good thing. People end up getting way too many chances in the process and stay longer than they should.
Maybe, reading all these posts about women and men openly talking about their perpetrators, in most cases, people they trusted dearly, is giving me flashbacks of things my brain had done a good job of erasing (read: repressing).
The breach of trust is at the core of it all.
At the ripe old of 26, I find myself trusting people even less. I don’t even give them the benefit of doubt anymore. It’s almost as I know they will do something to mess it up. And sadly, they always do.
This new wave of no-fucks-given attitude is great in theory. However, just like you don’t care about the things that are not worth it, you end up not caring about the things that are.
I know this post is a bit all over the place. It has been a while since I’ve felt the urge to write and I’m glad I did. I hope the next one is a bit more coherent and less of a mess. Pretty much like how my mind is at the moment.
~ P xo

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To tomorrow…

Feelings are funny.
Deny them all you want,
But you can’t run away from them for too long.
You tell me your heart is too weak to love again,
But you love me anyway.
Asking me how I always know what’s on your mind,
Because maybe,
All I’m doing is telling you the truth,
You keep running away from.

But lately,
You’ve been feeling like a distant memory,
One I don’t want to remember anymore,
Because to remember is a radical act,
And to remind is to resist.
So let’s remind ourselves to forget,
Because moments are fleeting,
And tomorrow is another day…

Choices

Warning: This post is a (semi) rant about millennials by a millennial.

Destiny is something you can’t control, but the choices you make decide your fate. Have you ever wondered, if that specific thing didn’t happen to you, how differently your life would have played out? The tiny choices you make in your every day life, are what add up to be consequential in the long run.
Recently, I was having drinks with my cousin sister and her friends. They were all in their 40s – one of them was a single mother, while the rest were married with kids. When my cousin enquired about her single friend’s dating life, she responded by saying, “It’s going alright, yaar. When you get to our age, only the uncle types are left, and the ones I like seem to be such weirdos, which I only seem to realize much later! All my millennial colleagues tell me I should just ‘go with the flow’, so that’s what I am doing now.”

Until she said it, I didn’t realize how millennial ‘going with the flow’ actually is! I am guilty of this and so are many other millennials I know – as a generation, we’ve trademarked this as our own.

It’s almost as if we are scared to make a choice and stick to it, so going with the flow is the easiest cop-out if things do go South. It’s then much easier to feel as if things weren’t in our control to begin with! Are we all just a bunch of kids, pretending to be adults, scared to make decisions that could possibly change the narrative of our lives forever? Are we scared to commit to a particular decision, because, lo and behold, what if we change our minds later on and don’t want to feel stuck? Or even worse, feel like we’ve failed.

Relationships are hard. They take a lot of time and energy, and if you want them to work, just like anything else in life, you need to give it your 100%. Somehow, we 20-somethings, give 100% to our career, friends and families, but when it comes to our dating lives, it’s just going with the flow, and then we wonder why it never worked out. Or we go with the flow, not realizing how toxic certain relationships can actually be.

It’s time to be more pro-active, instead of this hoping for the best attitude. This also seeps into other aspects of our lives. I know a lot of people that are stuck in jobs that they hate, because they are ‘going with the flow’.

Personally, what my cousin’s friend said was like the comet that produced alternate realities in the movie Coherence. Just imagine for a moment, there is person just like you, existing in an alternative reality, living a life they have created because of all the choices they’ve consciously made (by not going with the flow!). Enough of being passive, it’s time to take back the control of our own lives and live in the reality we want! As one of my best friends once told me, be decisive, even when it seems risky.

Besides, there is nothing sexier than a person who knows exactly what they want!

~P xo

Midnight musings

What are you tired of?

 

I’m tired of pretending to not care, when I really really do
I’m tired of small talk and meaningless conversations – talk to me about the universe and the things you believe in instead
I’m tired of trying to fit into a mould of someone that is familiar to you
I’m tired of laughing off the moral policing and snarky judgemental comments
I’m tired of running away from things that I love, incase they hurt
I’m tired of a whole lot more, but for tonight, this will do…

~P xo

 

Stay

I’ve always been a closet control freak. Closet, because I’ve only recently realized that this need to control has cost me, my peace of mind, in the past. But lately, I’ve adopted this more relaxed attitude to life. It was always about getting a degree or two, and then a job. But I’ve realised that I would put this unnecessary pressure on myself to have everything sorted – always. And sometimes, this is just not possible. No matter how hard you plan and prep; sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you’re left completely distraught. So, what happens then? Doesn’t it always work out in the end? So it’s okay to put your feet up for a while, take that well deserved break, and go with the flow. Don’t be afraid of new beginnings. The tide will always take you to the places you were meant to see and to the people that were meant to stay.

~P xo

Purple

People often focus on physical fitness, forgetting mental health is just as important, if not more. But for some reason, people often brush it off saying things that diminish how one feels: “It’s just a phase.. you’ll get over it” or “Lighten up you are taking life too seriously” or my personal favourite, “Stop overthinking, you have no reason to worry”. All of these seem like things to say to someone who is feeling “down” or “low” or the scariest word of them all “depressed” – which is, unfortunately, overused, mostly by people who aren’t depressed.
In many Indian families, relationships, friendships, etc. the topic of mental health is often skirted around. I would like to believe this is mainly due to how little awareness there is about it. Or, you have the other kind of people, who refuse to believe that mental illness is a problem: “Get over it, grow up, how is this even a problem?! I’ve been through so much worse.” Yes, the ones who lack empathy will be the first to compare how once upon a time they felt sad and overcame it, therefore, so should you.
When I say mental illness, it just isn’t about feeling sad, it’s about that overwhelming, all encompassing feeling, that somehow manages to take over your life. And it could be triggered by the most ridiculous thing, but somehow sends you into a spiral of negative emotions, which try as you might, just can’t seem to brush off. If someone asks, you can’t seem to explain it either, you can’t pinpoint it to one event, but to everything and nothing, all at once. It’s opaque and messy – as you try to keep afloat, fighting your demons gets exhausting. Especially when no-one else can see them. Don’t expect people to understand, when you barely understand it yourself. But I beg you, don’t you dare diminish the way you are feeling. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Fight your demons yourself, one day at a time, because you know you can, you’ve been there before, and you overcame all that negativity. But don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re feeling is insignificant. If it gets too much to handle yourself, seek help. You go to the doctor when you aren’t feeling well right, why not do the same this time? Why is there such a taboo? Do it for you.

Timing is Everything

Is it, though? Is timing really everything?

People say that with such confidence as if time was the only problem. Some people are constantly living on the cusp, the what-ifs kinda people. Neither in the past or future, but constantly in the present state of self-doubt.
Isn’t time just a man-made construct? Something to please our inherent desire to control and quantify. So the next time you hear someone say, I wish the timing was better, say to them: There is no better time than now!
A flower never asks for permission before it blooms, it just does.

So bloom, baby, bloom, your time is now. 

Reality (vs. Expectation)

I found it ironic that on Valentine’s Day, the daily prompt was “expectation“.

One part of me likes to believe that this day was totally made up by Hallmark as a genius marketing strategy, which has now turned into to become a global phenomenon. So knowing this, why play into this consumerist propaganda? However, there is always that small voice in the back of my head, that is expecting something. If you are single, you expect your crush to ask you out on this day (or ask your crush out). If you are dating someone, the added pressure of oh-shit-it’s-valentines-day-so-we-need-to-do-something-extra-today. Or, best case scenario (in my opinion): You expect absolutely nothing to happen. However, either way, the expectation is there.

If cupid struck right, you would have discussed the ridiculousness that comes with Valentine’s Day, with your partner. It saves you both time and money, which would have otherwise been wasted on over-priced roses and chocolates.

For my future beau (if/when you do read this): The way to my heart, is definitely through a dash of cynism and a sprinkling of sarcasm. Although, flowers and chocolates on any other day would also do, just not on Valentine’s Day. 😉

~P xo

 

 

 

Picking up the pieces

Tell me the last time you felt devastated,

That feeling of hitting a deadend,

When you knew no-one could save you this time, except yourself,

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach,

That feeling of utter disbelieve,

To a situation, person or feeling,

Tell me about that,

Tell me the messy details,

Tell me so I can make sure you don’t feel that way again

So I can save you from yourself,

Devastation – of shattered dreams and new beginnings