Not important.

I have nothing even remotely profound to say. I just want to acknowledge this time in history (my history, obviously) to say that I am officially addicted to streaming (?!?!?). I know right, what the hell! I am not a gamer, not even a noob, but I really enjoy watching them! What has this lockdown done to me?!

Watching a live stream gives me the same feeling of watching live t.v. I don’t have a t.v. so this will do. When people ‘superchat’ (or send money to their favorite YouTuber) for a shout-out, it reminds me of the time people would call their favorite radio show, for the same effect (do people still do this?).

I’m sure, I’ll move on to something more productive, relatively soon, but until then, thank you to the chess and Pubg streamers who have made this lockdown a little more entertaining!

~P xo

Reflections/Intentions

This lockdown has made me feel all types of ways. It got to a point, where sleep was non-existent and food did not matter anymore. If you know me, then you know how much I love both these things. My anxious thoughts had taken over my life and work productivity had gone down the drain. If I didn’t do something about this, I would be unemployed, unhappy, and unhealthy before I knew it. All my previous coping mechanisms had failed me and I could only see one way out of this mess that I had created for myself in my mind.

Over the years, I would sit down and reflect on my actions, but possibly in a very superficial manner. I would always think, “What just happened!”, not “Why did this just happen!”. I would discover patterns but never understood why the same pattern kept repeating. In my 20s, I’ve been so lucky that my closest friends were vulnerable enough to share their insights and thoughts with me. It was like our own little therapy session, except, without the therapist.

Now, if you’ve actually been to therapy, you know it is probably one of the most difficult things to do. To really sit down, and think, why am I like this? To sit down with yourself (post-therapy), when you really don’t want to. And no, as adults, you can’t keep blaming your childhood for how you are as an adult. As a 20-something year old, you do actually have the power to change the way you think and behave. How “woke” are you, if you can’t even acknowledge how problematic you, yourself are? But being at least 50-60% self-aware is better than being at 0%, right? At least you’re are working towards that goal of being 100% self-aware. It is a skill, that needs to be worked on, like any other skill. It is part of shedding the past versions of yourself to a version closer to your true self.

They say you are the sum of your actions, not your intentions. So, why not apply this to ourselves too? I know this is a vast debate and I’m merely just dipping my toe into the rabbit-hole but I had to say this. Even if it was just for myself.

~P xo

Social media, you’re canceled.

Is it just me, or has this lockdown been driving everyone crazy? I guess I had hit rock bottom pretty early, which I think was a blessing in disguise. I feel in face first in the pit of despair and luckily had enough time to figure out what steps I had to take to come out of it. Working out, therapy, and playing games online have helped tremendously! What did not help though, not even one bit, was social media.

It seemed like everyone had their shit together – people do such a great job pretending, right? When in fact everyone was struggling. It was only when I reached out to friends did I realize, damn, we really are all in the same boat.

I’ve been generously muting and unfollowing accounts. I realized a lot of the accounts I was following was only adding to my anxiety. It felt good decluttering. The accounts I could not unfollow, I muted. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to see another – “Look what I’ve made!”, “Look how sweaty I am post-workout!” ” Look how together I’m keeping it during this global crisis!”, posts anymore.

Another thing, I was struggling with was being friends with exes. I tried it, failed miserably. This only works for certain kinds of people and if you are one of them, I congratulate you. No, really. Don’t teach me your ways and I don’t even want to know your story. All I know is that it doesn’t work for me. And I’ve made my peace with it. Social media doesn’t help with this either. The constant reminders of your last lover’s song recommendations or the memes they now post, which would once be a DM – this only creates more confusion to my already confused mind. Yes, it is exhausting in here.

Social media is truly the worst and I wish I can have a healthier relationship with it. I go through digital detoxes, often, but with limited success. It’s stressful and I wish I could just not know and not want to know, either. A friend did tell me something very insightful, “Maybe, you don’t have a toxic relationship with social media. Maybe, you have a toxic relationship with the people on there.” True. Very true. In that case, I will try my best to mute, ignore, and move on. What else can one do?

~P xo

Coffee, Cigarettes, and Interviews.

Applying for a job is a full-time job – which no one will pay you for.

Fumbling on telephonic interviews is my norm. Pausing while citing your expected CTC and then saying a number completely different than you imagined is my forté. How can you quantify your worth over the first call you’re having with a complete stranger? If that isn’t f*cked up, I don’t know what is.

And of course the dreaded, “So tell me about yourself?”. Where do I start and where do I stop? Do you want to hear about my nagging imposter syndrome? Or my incessant need to travel? Or better still, my need to leave a city every two years?

We can’t ever sound too excited, because of course, that reeks of desperation. But can’t sound normal either – some magical middle ground of excitement levels that should satisfy the other person. Ugh.

Strengths and weaknesses? I’ve got plenty of those too. Binge-watching cooking shows with no intention to make those meals? Can dance for hours, but can’t run for even a minute. Both a strength and weakness, if you ask me.

Unemployment depression is real and over-thinking should be classified as an extreme sport. However, staying positive and getting up every day and doing the same thing over and over again is the only hope. My mind often wanders into those dark spaces, I’ve filled up with happier memories. But keeping those dark thoughts at bay is a task and one you have to be conscious even to acknowledge and accept as part of the process.

This too shall pass. I know. It has before and it will again. Coping mechanisms have changed over the years, but this is a phase we’ve all been through. Keeping this thought above all others is the key.

~ P

Does skepticism have a shelf life?

What are you doing for yourself? Are you doing all those things that make you feel alive, make you feel happy, make you feel…?
As we all grew up, we’ve forgotten how to feel. Things have happened, making us question each and everything. What is this skepticism? And where has it come from? Can we just not do the things that make us feel good and think about it later? Instead, we’ll question it a thousand times, until it doesn’t even feel the same anymore. So, I wanted to make a list of some of the things that bring me joy, in no particular order, for the days I’m feeling a bit too skeptical.
– Long conversations
– Lazy Sunday afternoons
– Delicious meals
– Time spent with family & friends
– Cat’s purr
– Traveling
– Watching a T.V. show/ movie in bed
– Being appreciated
– Unexpected messages from the expected
– Glass(es) of wine
– Colourful sunsets
– When large amounts of smoke come out of a perfectly made hookah
– Perfect black dress
– When you order something online and it looks better than expected
– Hearing your mother tongue in a foreign country
– Cuddles – either with your pet or favourite human 🙂
– Finding that song you didn’t know the name of months after hearing it
– Having your phone on 100% charge
– Waking up refreshed after a nap
– Laughing out loud
– New beginnings
What are some your top picks? These are the things I look forward to and I know this post is totally self-indulgent, but on days I’m not feeling the best, self-indulgence is just what I need!
~ P (just another skeptic)

Guess who’s back :)

Today, marks my 3 year anniversary…with WordPress! It’s a weird coincidence that I decided to re-download the app today, only to be notified about this stat.
As with any, my relationship with WordPress has had its ups and downs, marked with passionate words, silent treatments, and more importantly consistency of hope. Hope, because, despite my lack commitment and (sadly) taking it granted over the years, it has been there, on the interwebs, waiting for my return.
Okay enough of the sap, but so much has happened in my hiatus that I have to sit and filter out only the best (and maybe the worst) memories to write about.
Here’s to making many more memories (and writing about them too!).
~ P

Here we go (again)

I find my mind in overdrive once again. So many thoughts, yet stringing a sentence together seems nearly impossible.
Maybe, it’s the familiarity creeping in, the hours in traffic, the job stress, and of course the personal life.
Somehow every different decision I take feels like I always end up in the same place.
And to top it all off, the #metoo movement.
My brain does a great job of repressing even the most terrible memories. Almost as if they never happened. It’s not a good thing. People end up getting way too many chances in the process and stay longer than they should.
Maybe, reading all these posts about women and men openly talking about their perpetrators, in most cases, people they trusted dearly, is giving me flashbacks of things my brain had done a good job of erasing (read: repressing).
The breach of trust is at the core of it all.
At the ripe old of 26, I find myself trusting people even less. I don’t even give them the benefit of doubt anymore. It’s almost as I know they will do something to mess it up. And sadly, they always do.
This new wave of no-fucks-given attitude is great in theory. However, just like you don’t care about the things that are not worth it, you end up not caring about the things that are.
I know this post is a bit all over the place. It has been a while since I’ve felt the urge to write and I’m glad I did. I hope the next one is a bit more coherent and less of a mess. Pretty much like how my mind is at the moment.
~ P xo

To tomorrow…

Feelings are funny.
Deny them all you want,
But you can’t run away from them for too long.
You tell me your heart is too weak to love again,
But you love me anyway.
Asking me how I always know what’s on your mind,
Because maybe,
All I’m doing is telling you the truth,
You keep running away from.

But lately,
You’ve been feeling like a distant memory,
One I don’t want to remember anymore,
Because to remember is a radical act,
And to remind is to resist.
So let’s remind ourselves to forget,
Because moments are fleeting,
And tomorrow is another day…

Choices

Warning: This post is a (semi) rant about millennials by a millennial.

Destiny is something you can’t control, but the choices you make decide your fate. Have you ever wondered, if that specific thing didn’t happen to you, how differently your life would have played out? The tiny choices you make in your every day life, are what add up to be consequential in the long run.
Recently, I was having drinks with my cousin sister and her friends. They were all in their 40s – one of them was a single mother, while the rest were married with kids. When my cousin enquired about her single friend’s dating life, she responded by saying, “It’s going alright, yaar. When you get to our age, only the uncle types are left, and the ones I like seem to be such weirdos, which I only seem to realize much later! All my millennial colleagues tell me I should just ‘go with the flow’, so that’s what I am doing now.”

Until she said it, I didn’t realize how millennial ‘going with the flow’ actually is! I am guilty of this and so are many other millennials I know – as a generation, we’ve trademarked this as our own.

It’s almost as if we are scared to make a choice and stick to it, so going with the flow is the easiest cop-out if things do go South. It’s then much easier to feel as if things weren’t in our control to begin with! Are we all just a bunch of kids, pretending to be adults, scared to make decisions that could possibly change the narrative of our lives forever? Are we scared to commit to a particular decision, because, lo and behold, what if we change our minds later on and don’t want to feel stuck? Or even worse, feel like we’ve failed.

Relationships are hard. They take a lot of time and energy, and if you want them to work, just like anything else in life, you need to give it your 100%. Somehow, we 20-somethings, give 100% to our career, friends and families, but when it comes to our dating lives, it’s just going with the flow, and then we wonder why it never worked out. Or we go with the flow, not realizing how toxic certain relationships can actually be.

It’s time to be more pro-active, instead of this hoping for the best attitude. This also seeps into other aspects of our lives. I know a lot of people that are stuck in jobs that they hate, because they are ‘going with the flow’.

Personally, what my cousin’s friend said was like the comet that produced alternate realities in the movie Coherence. Just imagine for a moment, there is person just like you, existing in an alternative reality, living a life they have created because of all the choices they’ve consciously made (by not going with the flow!). Enough of being passive, it’s time to take back the control of our own lives and live in the reality we want! As one of my best friends once told me, be decisive, even when it seems risky.

Besides, there is nothing sexier than a person who knows exactly what they want!

~P xo