Reflections/Intentions

This lockdown has made me feel all types of ways. It got to a point, where sleep was non-existent and food did not matter anymore. If you know me, then you know how much I love both these things. My anxious thoughts had taken over my life and work productivity had gone down the drain. If I didn’t do something about this, I would be unemployed, unhappy, and unhealthy before I knew it. All my previous coping mechanisms had failed me and I could only see one way out of this mess that I had created for myself in my mind.

Over the years, I would sit down and reflect on my actions, but possibly in a very superficial manner. I would always think, “What just happened!”, not “Why did this just happen!”. I would discover patterns but never understood why the same pattern kept repeating. In my 20s, I’ve been so lucky that my closest friends were vulnerable enough to share their insights and thoughts with me. It was like our own little therapy session, except, without the therapist.

Now, if you’ve actually been to therapy, you know it is probably one of the most difficult things to do. To really sit down, and think, why am I like this? To sit down with yourself (post-therapy), when you really don’t want to. And no, as adults, you can’t keep blaming your childhood for how you are as an adult. As a 20-something year old, you do actually have the power to change the way you think and behave. How “woke” are you, if you can’t even acknowledge how problematic you, yourself are? But being at least 50-60% self-aware is better than being at 0%, right? At least you’re are working towards that goal of being 100% self-aware. It is a skill, that needs to be worked on, like any other skill. It is part of shedding the past versions of yourself to a version closer to your true self.

They say you are the sum of your actions, not your intentions. So, why not apply this to ourselves too? I know this is a vast debate and I’m merely just dipping my toe into the rabbit-hole but I had to say this. Even if it was just for myself.

~P xo

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