Midnight musings

What are you tired of?


I’m tired of pretending to not care, when I really really do
I’m tired of small talk and meaningless conversations – talk to me about the universe and the things you believe in instead
I’m tired of trying to fit into a mould of someone that is familiar to you
I’m tired of laughing off the moral policing and snarky judgemental comments
I’m tired of running away from things that I love, incase they hurt
I’m tired of a whole lot more, but for tonight, this will do…

~P xo




I’ve always been a closet control freak. Closet, because I’ve only recently realized that this need to control has cost me, my peace of mind, in the past. But lately, I’ve adopted this more relaxed attitude to life. It was always about getting a degree or two, and then a job. But I’ve realised that I would put this unnecessary pressure on myself to have everything sorted – always. And sometimes, this is just not possible. No matter how hard you plan and prep; sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you’re left completely distraught. So, what happens then? Doesn’t it always work out in the end? So it’s okay to put your feet up for a while, take that well deserved break, and go with the flow. Don’t be afraid of new beginnings. The tide will always take you to the places you were meant to see and to the people that were meant to stay.

~P xo


People often focus on physical fitness, forgetting mental health is just as important, if not more. But for some reason, people often brush it off saying things that diminish how one feels: “It’s just a phase.. you’ll get over it” or “Lighten up you are taking life too seriously” or my personal favourite, “Stop overthinking, you have no reason to worry”. All of these seem like things to say to someone who is feeling “down” or “low” or the scariest word of them all “depressed” – which is, unfortunately, overused, mostly by people who aren’t depressed.
In many Indian families, relationships, friendships, etc. the topic of mental health is often skirted around. I would like to believe this is mainly due to how little awareness there is about it. Or, you have the other kind of people, who refuse to believe that mental illness is a problem: “Get over it, grow up, how is this even a problem?! I’ve been through so much worse.” Yes, the ones who lack empathy will be the first to compare how once upon a time they felt sad and overcame it, therefore, so should you.
When I say mental illness, it just isn’t about feeling sad, it’s about that overwhelming, all encompassing feeling, that somehow manages to take over your life. And it could be triggered by the most ridiculous thing, but somehow sends you into a spiral of negative emotions, which try as you might, just can’t seem to brush off. If someone asks, you can’t seem to explain it either, you can’t pinpoint it to one event, but to everything and nothing, all at once. It’s opaque and messy – as you try to keep afloat, fighting your demons gets exhausting. Especially when no-one else can see them. Don’t expect people to understand, when you barely understand it yourself. But I beg you, don’t you dare diminish the way you are feeling. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Fight your demons yourself, one day at a time, because you know you can, you’ve been there before, and you overcame all that negativity. But don’t let anyone tell you that what you’re feeling is insignificant. If it gets too much to handle yourself, seek help. You go to the doctor when you aren’t feeling well right, why not do the same this time? Why is there such a taboo? Do it for you.

Timing is Everything

Is it, though? Is timing really everything?

People say that with such confidence as if time was the only problem. Some people are constantly living on the cusp, the what-ifs kinda people. Neither in the past or future, but constantly in the present state of self-doubt.
Isn’t time just a man-made construct? Something to please our inherent desire to control and quantify. So the next time you hear someone say, I wish the timing was better, say to them: There is no better time than now!
A flower never asks for permission before it blooms, it just does.

So bloom, baby, bloom, your time is now. 

Reality (vs. Expectation)

I found it ironic that on Valentine’s Day, the daily prompt was “expectation“.

One part of me likes to believe that this day was totally made up by Hallmark as a genius marketing strategy, which has now turned into to become a global phenomenon. So knowing this, why play into this consumerist propaganda? However, there is always that small voice in the back of my head, that is expecting something. If you are single, you expect your crush to ask you out on this day (or ask your crush out). If you are dating someone, the added pressure of oh-shit-it’s-valentines-day-so-we-need-to-do-something-extra-today. Or, best case scenario (in my opinion): You expect absolutely nothing to happen. However, either way, the expectation is there.

If cupid struck right, you would have discussed the ridiculousness that comes with Valentine’s Day, with your partner. It saves you both time and money, which would have otherwise been wasted on over-priced roses and chocolates.

For my future beau (if/when you do read this): The way to my heart, is definitely through a dash of cynism and a sprinkling of sarcasm. Although, flowers and chocolates on any other day would also do, just not on Valentine’s Day. 😉

~P xo




Picking up the pieces

Tell me the last time you felt devastated,

That feeling of hitting a deadend,

When you knew no-one could save you this time, except yourself,

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach,

That feeling of utter disbelieve,

To a situation, person or feeling,

Tell me about that,

Tell me the messy details,

Tell me so I can make sure you don’t feel that way again

So I can save you from yourself,

Devastation – of shattered dreams and new beginnings

25 Rules for 2017

New year, same me! Heck, I think in a very long time, I have reconnected with my true self, flaws and all. It took me a very long time to figure myself out (and I still am) but I think around 19 is when I finally starting loving who I was or was turning into. And then, at around 21, it came crashing right down. It was a combination of a lot of things, but I’ll save that for another post 🙂
The point is, after a long time, I feel genuinely happy – and it feels great! Yes, work gets tiring beyond belief, the Mumbai traffic is the absolute worst, almost all of my friends are thousands of kilometers away, and the shitty internet makes it feel like skyping with them is another job in itself. However, I know they’re always there, it’s just a matter of a phone call and we are exactly where we left off.

With 2016 in the past, probably the craziest one yet, here are 25 rules (some clichés) I’ve learnt along the way:

  1. Be yourself. The sarcastic mess that you are. Be that.
  2.  Stop making excuses for people.
  3. It’s okay to ask for help when needed.
  4. Leave work early, if possible, so you can play with Shiro. (Also cuddle him at every possible occasion – the scratches will fade eventually 😌)
  5. Follow your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t.
  6. Surround yourself with people who can make you laugh.
  7. Be less cynical. The world and the people in it aren’t that bad. (Or only keep the good ones around)
  8. Take time to refresh. “Me” time is always a good idea.
  9. If you like something, say it. If you don’t like something, say it.
  10. Live more out of intention, rather than habit.
  11. Be more patient with your parents.
  12. Never say no to a play. (Also, watch more t.v. shows and movies)
  13. Cooking is a good destresser. (You can do the dishes later)
  14. Stop using the straightener. Love your curls.
  15. Go to the gym (because is it even a new year’s resolutions list, if this isn’t mentioned?!)
  16. Do things that are out of your comfort zone. Don’t live in fear of judgement. Ever.
  17. Notice who drains your energy. (And stay far far away from those people.)
  18. Pedicures are always a good idea. So are manicures. Which leads me to…
  19. Stop biting your nails!
  20. Veggies are good for you (and the environment) but never say no to fried chicken (or cake).
  21. Wear lipstick more often.
  22. Stop being so hard on yourself. Be patient and kind – not just with others- but with yourself too.
  23. Shit happens. Let it go.
  24. Believe in the magic of new beginnings.
  25. Writing is fun, do it more often!


~P xo

Refresh Button

Scars are a funny thing. Mine are mainly around my wrists and arms- all thanks to my cat. But, the scars left from a painful memory of a loved one’s words or actions, are etched all over my mind. And sometimes, while doing mundane tasks, one will pop-up, ruining what I had been trying to cover up and conceal with all my might.
“Let it go, it’s all in the past, forgive and forget.” But how do you forget something that has inadvertently become a part of who you are?
It would be so great to have a refresh button for life too. Just so you can start over, without the baggage of the past. Are such incidents meant to build or break one’s character? Instead you lay low, keep your distance from anyone or anything remotely able to give you joy, just incase you get hurt again. So you go underground for a while, till you figure out how to put the pieces back together. They’ll never go back to the way they were before, but atleast your mind is at peace knowing you tried your best. Sometimes that’s all that matters, right?

Unoriginally original

Recently, I got a call from a family member, she’s nearing 85, can barely walk, but has the sharpest memory of anyone I know. This is how the conversation went:

Her: Pooja? 

Me: Hi ! How are you?

Her: Good, just the usual. Pooja, I wanted to ask you something.

Me: Ya, ask what happened?

Her: Do you want to get married?

Me: Hahaha

Her: *super serious* Stop laughing. I want you to answer this question because I know this boy who would be a great match for you!

Me: Erm….I am really not

*cuts me off*

Her: He’s working in London, he’s actually from ‘X’ city. He’s tall – He is 6 feet 2 inches so you both will look so good together!! He’s even the same colour as you!! You’ll make a lovely couple.

Me: Hahaha! Same colour?! Are you serious!? I am really not interested in getting married, I want to focus on my job.


She: Okay. Well, think about it, he’s a very good guy and this is the age you should get married or all the good ones will disappear. So tell me, is it a yes or a no.

Me: I’ll let you know when I am ready to get married. But it’s a no.

Her: Give the phone to your mom.

Okay, so this is how arranged marriages work. 😛 This conversation really made me realise how archaic this whole thing was. I am sure the boy is lovely but that doesn’t mean I get married to him! Based on what? His height and skin tone?! How can you spend the rest of your life with someone based on these superficial things? I guess I was just shocked at how unoriginal and nonchalant she was with trying to convince me about a decision that would change my whole life.

I have nothing against arranged marriages, but maybe more with the idea of getting married. Marriage is a scary thing, from what I’ve seen and have been told, it isn’t all that it is made out to be. Honestly, I don’t get the urgency and unnecessary pressure with the whole your-biological-clock-is-ticking-so-you-must-get-married thing; it just does not make any sense to me. Especially, when they are so many children in this world who desperately need a loving family, why add to the problem? I know more unhappy than happily married couples. Maybe I am just surrounded by unhappy couples, but, why take the risk ? 😛

I am sure one day I will get married, and have my happy little family, with 2 cats, 1 puppy, 2 kids and my best friend/husband. But, only when I am ready, not because someone else (/society) says I should.


Best friends turned enemies

Every conversation was now an argument

As both grew older, the age difference seemed to creep in

Each had their own ways to cope with a situation

She would lash out, while the other would tap out

So much left to do, so many places to see

Yet, her world only revolved around her

They both wanted the same thing

To have their happy days again, in the city they called home

“When you become a mother, you will understand”, she would say

Conveniently, the daughter had made up her “not-to-do list”.